Thursday, December 5, 2013

Christmas Carols


   ‘Tis the season for Christmas carols.  I am a big fan of the annual tunes and like most people, know the words to all of the classics.  Although I don’t think many people actually go out caroling much anymore, at least not where I live.  It’s really a shame, but I suppose it is a sign of the times. 
   I was thinking of the lyrics to some of the great Christmas tunes we all sing along with this time of year.  When you examine them, some are rather disturbing.  Let me show you what I’m talking about as we take a closer look.  Of course, I’m taking these words literally just for fun.
12 Days of Christmas:  This is a beautiful song about gifts from your true love.  Nothing could be sweeter, right?  For your first gift, you get a partridge in a pear tree, not too bad.  Then, this love of your life is going to come hauling in an additional two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese laying eggs, and seven swans in need of a place to swim.  After you have built an aviary to accommodate your new-feathered menagerie, the gifts get weirder.  He decides to surprise you with eight maids a-milking, so that must mean he’s hauling in eight cows, too.        The room is getting crowded. There are also nine ladies that have come to dance for you.  Then, ten lords begin jumping around, eleven guys start playing pipes, to the accompaniment of twelve dudes on the drums!  Seriously, just play it safe and give her the five golden rings! 


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Good old Rudolph was unlucky enough to be born with a bright red glowing nose.  The poor guy had a hard time right from the get-go.  He was teased, called names, and then never asked to play with the other little reindeer in their games.  This is a blatant case of bullying if there ever was one.  No one was nice to him until Santa Claus needed his help.  When he saved Christmas, everyone loved him.  I think those reindeer are a bunch of users!


We Wish You A Merry Christmas: A classic song
for carolers to serenade you during this festive season.  You open the door and greet the group with an appreciative smile.  Just when you think the song is over, the group turns hostile, threatening not to vacate the premises until they receive some Figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.  They are staging a sit-in on your lawn for pudding and a stiff drink.  How many of you have Figgy pudding on hand?  I had to look it up to find out that it is a baked concoction of dates, figs, and dark chocolate with a brown sugar and cream sauce poured over the top and served warm.  This may explain why caroling has dwindled in popularity.


I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: Okay, let’s look at these lyrics two ways.  First, a child sneaks down to find his mother in a lip lock with a man that is not his Daddy!  Talk about some major emotional trauma on Christmas Eve.  Does he spill the beans about his mom’s unfaithfulness?  How can he face either parent after what he’s witnessed?  Second, his mother was stepping out on dad with Santa Claus!  The guy whose lap he sat on, who he trusted to bring him toys, and just how many other moms has this red-suited Casanova kissed as he scampered house-to-house?  Maybe Santa had better leave a voucher for some therapy sessions!

Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas: This is a country favorite and really speaks to the joys of the holiday.  The lyrics are the words of a child, almost eight-years-old, begging his daddy not to get drunk, fall under the Christmas tree, and make his mama cry.  Oh, the memories of Christmas as a child.  These folks definitely put the “fun” in dysfunctional!
Last but not least, the classic, heart-warming winner is…

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer: To
summarize this Yuletide classic, a beloved grandmother gets drunk on eggnog, walks home to get her medication, only to become a victim of a hit and run sleigh driver.  Nobody bothers to go check on her until Christmas morning when she’s discovered dead with hoof marks on her forehead.  I’m guessing if Santa had not run over her, she most likely would have overdosed from mixing her meds with alcohol.  That wouldn’t have made such a spiffy sing-along though.       If this whole scene is not tragic enough, the family carries on with the Christmas festivities.  Although, out of respect they dress in black while they ponder whether to bust into Granny’s gifts or return them.  Her husband, who we can assume has been married to the deceased long enough to have grandchildren is spending the day he discovered her body, watching football, drinking beer, and playing cards.  Well, at least they didn’t let it put a damper on their holiday!   



*Next time you hear a Christmas carol and laugh...you're welcome. 



4 comments :

  1. Hehehe the modern figgy pudding is christmas pudding,xx SPeedy

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  2. I'll never look at Christmas carols the same way again....LOL. Can't help picturing the carolers sitting on my lawn waiting to get served food and drink! That figgy pudding sounds disgusting....definitely not worth caroling for!
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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  3. hahahaha love it! I remember going out with church a few times long long again to carol. Nope no one does it anymore.

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