This week the Blogville Police Department is holding classes for the new recruits. Please take a seat and enjoy learning the Tracking Class 101. Your instructors for today are Bentley and Pierre, Blogville Special Police Officers.
Bentley: “Welcome recruits. I’m glad to see so many eager faces here today. When we are through, you will be able to track the most elusive of bad guys. I’d like to introduce you to my partner, Pierre. I will be
allowing him to do most of the demos for you.”
Pierre: “Hello class. Get yourselves ready for one of the most exciting parts of crime fighting. The tracking and arresting of the violent renegade rodents is not a job for the faint of heart. Sometimes you have to get dirty to get your perp. Perp is short for perpetrator. Go ahead and jot that down in case it is on the test later.”
Bentley: “Yes, Ruby? Do you have a question? No, it’s not time for margaritas yet. What is that, Whitley? Yes, you can demonstrate zombie chasing. Thanks for the offer. I am not saying Pierre is afraid of zombies, but he is. Let’s start off with a quick lesson on the proper de-stuffing of a perp. You’ll notice Pierre comes at the suspect from behind. The old surprise attack is the best way to subdue a fluffy felon. One of the most important things to know about a stuffy is where the squeaker is located. Once they are in the clutches of your powerful grip, that squeak will alert others of the take down. You must bust that warning squeak immediately. A stuffy uprising can be dangerous.”
Pierre: “Mphrfx. Gag, hack, cough, cough. Always have a fresh bowl of water within paws reach during a de-stuffing. The most prevalent problem with this particular criminal procedure is cottonmouth. Why don’t you demonstrate the next technique? This teaching is more dangerous than being on patrol.”
Bentley: “Don’t be silly, our next demo is digging. I’ve never known a guy that enjoys digging more than you do. Hee hee! Now, as many of you may or may not know there are critters wreaking havoc underground. I know it is hard to imagine that a nice community like ours would have underground moles, but we do. The last thing that we need is for these measly moles to team up with PT Crasher the Squirrel and his gang of seven villains. Before we go any further, I want you to know that all of you are authorized to use force. However, we do not shoot lawbreakers or criminals. Instead, we use these handy dandy poop pellets to stun them. At that time we can haul them to Judge Frankie’s courtroom.”
Pierre: “The thought of throwing themselves on the mercy of “Judge Forever Frankie” should curb their mischief, but they are cocky. It’s our job as members of the BPD to show them the errors of their ways. Okay, for the digging demo, we are going to have to go outside. Let’s stand and march in a straight line. No pushing or shoving. Arty, would you be the leader and if I can get Easy to bring up the rear, that’d be great. Okay, let’s go.”
Bentley: “As you can see, Pierre is able to dig a hole approximately 87’ deep in
87 seconds. Yes, he is in the Blogville Diggers Hall of Fame, but don’t let that intimidate you. I see we have four other Westies that are ready to join in the excavation. Before you go digging in random places, let me show you the proper scent-tracking stance. Notice my ears are rubbing along the ground. This stirs the smells up towards my nose and makes locating the vermin easier. Those of you with upright ears will have to do a bit more pawing of the ground. You can also tilt your head at that angle the humans all enjoy. It will help you hear these nasty creatures actually digging underground.
Pierre: “OMD! MOLE! MOLE! Recruits, this is not a drill. Repeat. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Please lower your voices and watch this action. *furiously digs a hole and pulls out a mole!
Recruits: “Woo Hoo! We wanna try! Here Mole…come on Mr. Moley.”
Bentley: “Now that we are back in the classroom, I just have to say that was the most bodacious group mole round-up in the history of Blogville. I have put a call into to Sarge and Bites. They are sending Ranger over in the Police Paddy Wagon to haul the prisoners to the Blogville Pen. I have one last demonstration before y’all are dismissed. This is for the more advanced officers, so do not try this until you have climbing certification. I like to call it the fly on the wall maneuver. You have to have the correct wall scaling equipment and suction cups on your boots. If you’ll notice in this photo, I am performing "The Chandelier". Sudden movements could draw attention to you and result in
being discovered. Note that it is a good idea not to wear your hat.
Pierre: “Dude! Lemme try that move. After all, I had to eat stuffy guts, dig halfway to China, AND led the capture of 20+ moles. Why can’t I hang from the ceiling?”
Bentley: “The shoes don’t fit you. Besides, it’s the coolest move and I’m the lead instructor. Recruits, thanks so much for your undivided attention. I have some handouts that you should look over before Bites gives you the oral and written exam. You should also trim your nails before the digging portion of the field test. Nothing looks worse than dirty nails on an officer. The next class is with Hailey over at Hailey and Zaphod’s place. You will be learning about the mountains of police paperwork and activity reports. Afterwards, Ranger and Hailey will practice proper procedures at the jail, including the locking up of the prisoners. Pierre, call ahead and let Hailey know the paddy wagon is bringing a gang of some marauding mole. Stay safe out there, class dismissed.